Inner change | Excitable Man

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During the past couple months, I've regularly encountered a man on my afternoon commute home by subway and bus. He has a distinctly Gay appearance and style. I only realized we lived in adjacent communities when I saw him getting off at the same stop. While I could't be completely certain he's Gay, the features seemed clear. If my assumption is correct, he would be the closest Gay person to me geographically. This thought has stayed with me, and I've wondered if there might be a way to confirm his orientation—perhaps through signals or subtle cues that only another Gay person would notice.

But it's difficult, and the reasons are complicated. On the one hand, Gay typically avoid making the first move without certainty about the other person's orientation—a wrong assumption could lead to awkward or even dangerous situations. On the other hand, most Gay don't feel comfortable openly expressing their identity, particularly in Asia and especially in China, where social acceptance remains limited. Though perhaps, more than anything, my hesitation stems from my own personality.

Let me clarify—I didn't want to approach him because of any romantic interest. Rather, if my intuition is correct, he would simply be the closest Gay person geographically. While I've made Gay friends online, mostly from other countries, I've never had any local connections. I suppose what I'm really seeking is someone who shares this part of my identity—someone I can talk to about these experiences and feel completely safe being myself.

At its heart, I simply want to connect with someone like myself. It's similar to how gamers seek out other gamers, or how otaku look for others who share their passion. This isn't about finding romance—it's about shared experiences, effortless conversations, mutual understanding, and the comfort of being around someone who gets it.

Eventually, I decided to try wearing something with an obvious signal of Bear identity. At the end of last month, I bought several T-shirts, shorts, and hats featuring the Bear pride symbol—since I identify as a Bear, and he appears to be one as well.

On Labor Day, May 1st, I ventured out for the first time dressed entirely in Bear apparel—a Bear Paw shirt, hat, and sandals. I told myself I was doing this to connect with others like me, to make friends. Yet the moment I stepped outside onto the street, something shifted within me. I realized this outfit wasn't really about finding others (though I still want Gay friends). It was about accepting myself—fully, genuinely.

Even while wearing something that openly signaled I'm a Bear, I could walk down the street, ride the metro, and go into rooms—naturally and calmly. This calm wasn't artificial—it came from deep within. I wasn't trying to prove anything or make a statement. It just suddenly hit me: Yes, this is who I am. I'm a Bear. Born this way. And that's perfectly fine.

I finally understood why, back in school, I always tried to be the peacemaker. Why I always took on more than I should have just to avoid conflict. It’s because I’m a warm-hearted Bear by nature. I may be bulky, but I’m solid and true. I may not have a gentle touch, but I always give them my heart.

Some might find it flashy when Gay wear Pride symbols, but I no longer concern myself with those opinions. Something far more significant has occurred: I've accepted myself. I am now comfortable being myself. This transformation wasn't planned or scheduled. It simply happened in one moment—bringing with it a sudden calm, a profound stillness I had never known before.